I attract crazy . . .

Roommate drama is at an all time high. Crazy roommate want to leave a month early and expected us to find a replacement. Who’s going to move into an apartment for one month in February?!?! Today is January 30th, and we have obviously not been able to find a replacement. Me and the other roommate tried to have a civil conversation with crazy girl to explain how silly she was acting, she was not having it and said things that would involve her “lawyer”. After that conversation things really haven’t gotten any better. And the other roommate who keeps trying to help is making matters worst. I have two roommates one is batshit crazy, the other is severely passive aggressive and doesn’t even know it. I’m in the middle like what the hell is going on?!?! From all this drama I went to bed around 8pm with a migraine and my neck killing me, I had to sleep with a neck pillow.

The passive aggressive roommate said to me, Krystal you never argue. I half smiled. I have too much stress in my life to argue with crazy people. Arguing with a crazy person is like talking in a calm voice to a person that’s waving their arms and screaming, it’s a waste of energy. So I told her with the stress at my job, recent car accident and my damaged car, oh! and I have Crohn’s, I don’t have the time or energy to deal with people and their pride.

Been in Panera Bread since 11am it is now 2:15pm. I’ll be leaving soon, scheduled a facial at a nearby spa. I need to relax somehow, pray for me lol  Less than a month away until I move into my own place. Thank goodness.

Tomorrow is the big day . . .

I have my colonoscopy tomorrow which holds my future. I should not allow this procedure to hold such power, but I really need 2016 to be different . . . I put on a good face as always but I’m tired of faking that I’m so much happier lately feeling better  . . i’m not. And I feel like this illness has trapped me this past year. I was ready to quit my job and just move, anywhere . . can’t do that when you have a chronic illness and need a job to get health insurance to pay for your meds. . sighs . .

My Christmas was fine, but didn’t appreciate my love life being the main topic. I don’t understand why lately it’s been such a main topic among my family and friends lately .  .  . . I’m curious to know how many people that were sick that got healthy, and the first thing on their list is to find a husband/wife?? . . like that’s going to solve all my problems . . but I guess I can’t knock it until I try it. . .so to appease everyone i’m making a genuine effort to find my “love” in 2016. So when people ask again, I can say yes, i am no longer single . . .

Apologies for the melodramatics lol I’m on this liquid diet today, starving and dreading the Suprep I will have to consume in 4 hours and the results of it . . . I really need to stop planning these procedures around the holidays, sick of lying to people how great my holiday break was . . .

I need 2016 to be different  . .

A Flare attack and Black & Blue . . . .

It’s been a week since my last post and not a good one.   A very stressful, exhausting week it has been.  New job has officially started to stress me out, but for the first time in my career its not over drama, just a lot of freaking work. But with my condition any amount of stress is bad, even if  in my mind I categorize it as “good stress”.  As a result of this stress and lack of sleep due to Game of Thrones binge watching (I think I have a problem lol) I had a serious flare attack. I went to the rest room at least 10 times that day at work, and had my first case of diarrhea in 7 months . . . it was horrible. After going to the bathroom 3 times in the span of 15 minutes I became desperate and hoped the little convenient store in our building had Imodium or Pepto. By the grace of God they did and it worked!! Then 2o minutes later I experience spasms of upper right abdominal and rectum pain, could not sit in my chair. . . Found some extra strength Tylenol and the pain went away. All that happened in the span of 8 hours, by time I got home I passed out, my body was exhausted.

Last weekend I took my Humira injection and the next day I noticed this huge black bruise on my upper thigh, right where I had the injection. Is this normal? lol It was a first time for me. No pain or swelling, just a huge black bruise. .It’s starting to fade away but still noticeable . Did I do something wrong? I usually inject in my right thigh but I have so many little dark circles from previous injections I decided to start with a fresh leg . . . I guess that was a mistake.

Unfortunately my stress level has doubled in the past couple of days due to some roommate drama and as a result today I had diarrhea once again. I got so worried it was obvious to my colleagues that I decided to use the restroom in our building lobby a couple times today . . . sighs . . its been rough lately . . I thought my colonoscopy scheduled for next month would be a breeze and Remission!! Now i’m not so sure . . .

Hopefully this holiday weekend I will be able to finally relax.

Weight gain, money woes, the usual . . .

Saw my primary physician (pp) yesterday and when I got on the scale I gasped. I am officially 20 pounds heavier than what I was a year ago  . . . fascinating. . . crazy thing is that I can still fit my jeans, it’s a good thing they’re stretch jeans. It’s also nice that my big clothes fit again and a belt is no longer needed . . . sighs. In the past 2 weeks I have gained 6.5 pounds, crazy right?!? I have either been an eating machine or hold intense water weight. . . I’m sick of it. Would like to eat well and not be big as an elephant.   However, with the colonoscopy next month, I’ll probably lose those 6.5 pounds, so that’s something to look forward to  . . the little joys in my life!!

My hip and lower back are starting to ache again. I told my PP about it  and stated it’s probably because I’m completely out of shape, but she took it a little too seriously and immediately gave me a referral for physical therapy. . . “bitch please!” was the look I gave her. How dumb is it to walk into physical therapy pain-free. The pain is not like the hip injury I had a year ago when it was painful to walk, It’s just aches here and there. When I got home I trashed the referral, because the one thing I’ve learned this year is that Health Care is a freaking business! Most of you are probably thinking, “Well duh!” lol but I have truly seen the game and tricks doctors play from my many doctor visits this year. It’s like going to a car dealership where there is a problem everywhere! I was actually at the dealership today and the one repair that I’ve putting off might have to be replaced sooner than later.

I was so proud of myself earlier today, finally paying of medical expenses and reducing my credit card debt, it was such a feeling of relief. I went to the car dealership this morning for regular maintenance and they tell me this needs to be done, blah blah . . . a total cost of $1400 . . . bitch please! I walked out only paying around $250 the bare minerals.  But the repair that cost the most needs to be replaced like yesterday. It sucks my commute to work is horrid and I have to drive my car (which might not be the safest now). I plan to go to Jiffy Lube right after work tomorrow, so I will no longer be paranoid but unfortunately hike up the credit card debt again. My little Corolla just hit 90K and all hell is breaking loose. . . it sucks because this was supposed to be the year I would start saving for a new car. That all changed when I was diagnosed with IBD plus a hospital stay. I’m pretty sure I’ve paid at least $3K (thank god for  health insurance) this year in medical expenses, but I can’t complain. It would’ve been a lot worst with multiple hospital stays and even surgery(s) . I guess this year has been easy as a crohnie  . . .

So is this my life now? Always worrying about money which causes stress, which causes a flare up, which could lead to a hospital stay and expensive medical procedures?  Is this the routine of my life?  I just realized prior to Halloween, I don’t recall the last time i did something social, like a party or just being around a lot of people, it’s embarrassing to say in the last year of my 20’s . . . but this year has REALLY sucked! And now with my car woes. . . it just keeps pouring . . .

I’m really tired  . . .

It’s nothing cute about being shy . . .

I’m mad at myself . . . all those years when I was too insecure, shy, timid, to try new things all because I was worried how I would look to others,  was such a waste of my time and unnecessary stress. The past two years of my life I felt like I had finally grew up. Learning to love myself and not care about what people think. All those times I was sitting at home with my feelings hurt crying over people who didn’t give a damn about me. Being sad and alone thinking about them and I’m 100% sure they were not doing the same thinking about me. I’m sick of being nice. I’ve learned just because you’re nice to others don’t expect to receive the same treatment. In this society people are only looking out for themselves, so it’s time that I care only about me. I’m gonna be selfish while I’m young and single. I’m going to try new hobbies and not wait around for someone to join me. Going solo, purposely putting myself in possibly socially awkward situations. Combating my anxiety head on!

Which makes me think of this new job. The new job is great, I actually like my job but have noticed the cliques and how HR and IT are lazy. So lazy that in a recent “updated” job listing sent to the entire staff, my job title was incorrect. Luckily my boss noticed before I did and requested a correction, but I noticed another error is this listing in regards to my information. In the past, I would just briefly mentioned it needs to be changed and hope they will do it. Naa . . not anymore, in a heartbeat people will jump on me if I do my job incorrectly, so I’ll do the same. Not only will I notify you of your mistake but will Cc our superiors. I’ve noticed the more outspoken and direct you are, shit gets done. People might not like you, but they will respect you. No longer interested in being well-liked, i’m there to do a job and go home and live my life. Sick of my jobs “being” my life.

All those years when I was healthy and had the energy to do many things, I didn’t! All because of the fear of being judge. Such a  waste of time and energy. .  .so now I have this major setback called IBD, and at the moment, crohn’s disease.  Where the thoughts of going to a public event for hours, standing in long lines, traveling and long road trips, are currently high on my list of fears. But this fear is temporary, I will get over it one day and okay with going at it solo.

Remaining hopeful, taking one day at a time. . .

GI is sweating . .

I received two responses to the stern message I sent to my GI’s office. The first response was from the PA who stated, I have forwarded your concerns to Dr. F. and he will see you from now on for treatment. Thank you!! No offense to PAs out there, but I wasn’t paying money to see a PA. Then I received two responses from my GI, and he started the first message soo well!! “Hi Crystal”, thanks for spelling my name wrong! lol But I can’t be mad, when I was speaking with my insurance company I said his first name was Steven, I was  corrected. It’s bad when you don’t know your GI’s first name, that’s a problem!! In the message he continued to talk about how he never disagreed with the GI in the hospital that stated I have crohn’s (lies), and all this information that I never heard from him that was all crohn’s related. When I asked him multiple times in the past about which IBD I have he could never say. But push come to shove, all the meds i’ve been on for the past 9 months have been for UC, so I understood his point that Crohn’s is most likely since those medications haven’t worked.

Then out of nowhere! He wanted me to come to the office to see him the next day ! I could not believe that my GI was finally making time to see little ole me. Unfortunately, I am unable to drop everything to see him so I told him how I cannot come to the office until November because my schedule is not flexible due to my 90 day probation at the new job.  And honestly I didn’t feel bad telling him that. When I had the time and was VERY flexible, after my appointments were rescheduled twice, I finally go to the office  and saw the PA instead of my GI. Obviously him and  his staff didn’t care then, but now they do when I plan to spend my mone . . i mean time elsewhere . .

Either way, my Humira injections should be arriving next week and I’m ready to get started. This week was hard, could barely keep my eyes open at work and when I got home.

Remaining hopeful, taking one day a time.

Big leap of faith . .

So I got a new job. . which is the worst timing when it comes to my IBD treatment. Even though I have been having issues lately in regards to my joints, and blood sugar, I have been okay otherwise. Honestly, the bad days I have had lately I believe are a result of severe stress from my current job. I remember sitting at my desk last week saying to myself, “this place is going to put me back in the hospital” . .  Just too much going on and other team members have left, so it’s been stressful for everyone. Also, it might have been a sign for me to go when my hard-drive crashed two weeks ago and all my files from the past 2 years disappeared. . .

When you start a new job you have to survive the 90 day probation, and I am hoping I will be well enough to make it without needing to see any of my doctors. I have not revealed my illness to my new employer yet, since I’m still not officially diagnosed, and my condition is not considered severe, I plan to earn my keep/respect from colleagues before I reveal myself as the “sick girl”. I know it’s a big risk, but before I was diagnosed I  was sick for months at my job and never took off. Now that I know what is going on and what to avoid, I believe I will be fine. Everything will be okay.

I gave my notice on Friday and this past weekend was the best sleep I have had in like a year.  I do not recall the last time I have been so relaxed. Speaking to family members on the phone they said I sounded different, even happy. Which is sooo not me lol For the first time ever I am not worried when I feel like I should be? right? This job is further away so my commute is longer, and I will lose the great benefits and IBD friendly environment at my current job, but having those benefits was not enough to keep me there. Who knows what I’ll say 3-6 months from now, I might say I should have stayed, but I will not regret taking this risk. . . .

I finally see my GI next week and sent another email today via the patient portal on how I will start tapering my prednisone intake down to 20mg a day. I wonder if I will even receive a response? Either way, we will need to discuss the next steps in my treatment, he has had 2 months to figure it out hopefully I will finally get an answer. My goal for the appointment next week is to stock up on whatever meds he wants to put me on, and make it clear to him that I will not be able to see him for months, or maybe never again.  I am somewhat glad my insurance will be different at the new job, it will force me to find a new GI. . . I swear I sound like a crazy person . . . but I’m happy . . and sleeping well, which is awesome!

Remaining hopeful and taking one day at a time 🙂