It’s nothing cute about being shy . . .

I’m mad at myself . . . all those years when I was too insecure, shy, timid, to try new things all because I was worried how I would look to others,  was such a waste of my time and unnecessary stress. The past two years of my life I felt like I had finally grew up. Learning to love myself and not care about what people think. All those times I was sitting at home with my feelings hurt crying over people who didn’t give a damn about me. Being sad and alone thinking about them and I’m 100% sure they were not doing the same thinking about me. I’m sick of being nice. I’ve learned just because you’re nice to others don’t expect to receive the same treatment. In this society people are only looking out for themselves, so it’s time that I care only about me. I’m gonna be selfish while I’m young and single. I’m going to try new hobbies and not wait around for someone to join me. Going solo, purposely putting myself in possibly socially awkward situations. Combating my anxiety head on!

Which makes me think of this new job. The new job is great, I actually like my job but have noticed the cliques and how HR and IT are lazy. So lazy that in a recent “updated” job listing sent to the entire staff, my job title was incorrect. Luckily my boss noticed before I did and requested a correction, but I noticed another error is this listing in regards to my information. In the past, I would just briefly mentioned it needs to be changed and hope they will do it. Naa . . not anymore, in a heartbeat people will jump on me if I do my job incorrectly, so I’ll do the same. Not only will I notify you of your mistake but will Cc our superiors. I’ve noticed the more outspoken and direct you are, shit gets done. People might not like you, but they will respect you. No longer interested in being well-liked, i’m there to do a job and go home and live my life. Sick of my jobs “being” my life.

All those years when I was healthy and had the energy to do many things, I didn’t! All because of the fear of being judge. Such a  waste of time and energy. .  .so now I have this major setback called IBD, and at the moment, crohn’s disease.  Where the thoughts of going to a public event for hours, standing in long lines, traveling and long road trips, are currently high on my list of fears. But this fear is temporary, I will get over it one day and okay with going at it solo.

Remaining hopeful, taking one day at a time. . .