It’s been a long time . .

It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted and it was hard to understand why until recently. .  . I’ve been dealing with the big “D” in 2018, depression. It’s sad because I started the year on such a high note, I believed. The last time I wrote I left a job and living situation that made me often broke and stressed. I decided to leave without a future job prospect and let life take the wheel, i was too tired and exhausted to care anymore.  The last job interview I had before moving back to my moms was in Washington DC. I didn’t think I would get the job so I continued my move back to Baltimore an hour and a half from my former location.

By a struck of luck I got the job and was excited for this new chapter in life, that wonderful feeling only lasted for two weeks. First time in my life I regretted taking a job. In addition to my commute and the demands of this job where I worked late for the first time two weeks in, I cried. I had extreme feelings of regret. Unrealistic deadlines, unexpected meetings scheduled for Saturday, bosses throwing me under the bus three months into the job, wtf ?!? I felt like I was deceived or not the right person for the job. But i quickly realized everyone around me was miserable and many other newcomers had the same feeling, what a shame. The work itself is interesting but I’ve realized that its not enough. My anxiety got so bad I could no longer sleep so I went to my doctor and asked for help. She suggested I seek therapy, a new job, and prescribed me an anti-depressant, Lexapro. Lexapro has helped, but seeking therapy and a new job is a work in progress. For me to move from one toxic environment to another I just became num and stayed in the house and slept for most of this year.

I expressed my concerns with my current employer, first time i have ever done so, and basically going into my bosses office stating how I’m going to quit and how I need help, and the little help they provided aka my other new staff member was weird. It was up to us to figure this out, so we’re learning by making continuous mistakes, seems the way of how things are done.  I had to plan to work this holiday weekend but fuck it, i’ll deal with it tomorrow. The Lexapro helps to num anxiety where it no longer causes stomach pain and a potential flare-up, but it’s just a band aid for my current situation. As I wrote this, i checked my work email three times, thinking I’ll miss something being this paranoid is not healthy .

Me writing again I hope is a step in the right direction. 2018 has not been fun. 

Happy New Year! . . . Ugh . . . :(

So . . . it’s less than an hour until the New Year and everyone on social media are posting New Year resolutions and all these positive messages “out with the old, in with the new!” etc. But let’s be real, its not like next week is going to be amazing and wonderful just because it’s a new year. Since I was diagnosed I told myself to let go, because me having this disease was completely out of my control. I finally learned you cannot control your life, just gotta ride the waves. I’ve been riding waves somewhat smoothly until this year, so many things have happened out of my control, such bad luck lately, I’m just speechless

2017 overall was a “healthy” year because I was not admitted to the hospital. After I was discharged in 2015 I told myself every year is great as long as I am not in a hospital. Well its hard for me to continue to abide by that saying, because 2017 was shitty. It started off being scammed by a crappy dentist office and paying TOO MUCH money in dental work, its nothing like being taken advantage of when you’re in pain. Then my job which has been a pain in my side for years now, I’ve been trying to get out of there before it got worst. Well it got worst a few weeks ago, my boss was fired and somehow I’m cleaning up his mess plus my job until his replacement is hired. How is that fair? Why is this not being reflected in my income?  I moved to my apartment about 9 months ago, my lease is up for renewal in April and I’m hearing through the grapevine that peoples’ rent is being increased to $200 a month. WTF?!?! Yes, I understand renovations occurred 3 months after I moved in that I had no knowledge of before I signed the lease, but how is such a rent increase even legal? Oh yes! VA is not rent-controlled, so they can charge whatever they want!

The one good thing about my current job is that the office is closed from Xmas until New Year’s, but I guess you’re still expected to work because when I did check my email this past week I noticed I received emails daily from our Interim Director . .  . I read but did not respond . . was on Holiday Break *shrugs*  . . . I spent the week at my moms sleeping, watching tv, and eating, best week ever. I returned to my apartment today to see two unexpected tax bills. One from a county I haven’t lived in since May and a letter from the IRS because HR Block fucked up . . . so tomorrow being January 1st will not put a smile on this face. . .

I am sorry to anyone I have wronged, please remove this hex, cause this bad luck is making me very depressed. Hmm that kind of rhymes  . . lol

The first 3 months of 2018 will be the most stressful, and I have never been so grateful to be back on Humira because if not I might be admitted to the hospital. I know some might read this and say “stay positive” but  right now I am living in the present. The present me is broke, stressed, and getting fat from all this stress eating lately. Im sleeping in tonight and plan to be at the gym in the AM. I hope my car will not have a flat tire since one of my tire’s air pressure looked low today due to freezing temps. I’ll put air in it tomorrow hopefully that works for the time being,  but I have a feeling I will have to purchase new tires soon with the non-existent money I have . . . . . sighs

For those of you living high on life, please send some of those good vibes my way . . . it is greatly needed.

Happy New Year . .

In need of some TLC . . . .

The “D word” is nothing new for me, I think I have had it for years it just took this disease for me to feel brave enough to openly admit it. No diagnosis, something I have never discussed but lately its kind of hard to disguise. To purposely isolate yourself from the world, your family and friends to be left alone is not good or healthy, I’m just sick of being unhappy. I’m sick of disappointment, sick of dealing with people and their feelings, just annoyed and tired.

Maybe it’s not depression, maybe its my way of not feeling in control anymore. This illness is making me vulnerable which is something I have always feared; to be viewed as weak, sensitive,  and not good enough, but thinking this way is soooo exhausting, I’m tired . . I know many will say, you need to talk to someone or you can always talk to me .  . . What if I don’t feel like talking? The last thing I want to do is make others depressed/sad I think it pushes people away so I don’t like to talk. Who wants to hang out with the person that complains all the time?

I have had many issues in my life with my self-esteem and my goal was to get my shit together by the age of 30, wanted to start this new decade of life as a “new me”. My 29th birthday is a month away and I feel even further away from this goal. 2014 was my year of doing things that scared me and I did, It was a great year.  So for 2015 my goal was to get healthy physically and mentally, who knew a chronic illness would be revealed! lucky me! 2015 sucks . . . .  As I approach this new year of life and my favorite day of the year, I’m not excited . . . . at all. What’s exciting about another year of meds, and seeing my doctors more than family and the few friends I do have? What is there to look forward to?  I always celebrate my birthday, not this year, not in the mood.

And then it’s the “L word”, that word is a foreign language to me. I expected to be married and popping out my 2nd kid by now . . . a vision that seems more like in my dreams. Never saw the “value” in having a serious relationship, growing up everyone I knew in a relationship was unhappy, why would I want that? but maybe that’s my problem, I only see the value in things in my life than accepting things/people for the way they are. . . I think I just had an “aha!” moment.

I’m one of the last few single ladies, something to no longer brag about nearing 30! Starting to look sad, I think its sad, my way of thinking once again . . . I’ll admit every time I hear the song single ladies I wish I could take a shot lol  It would be nice to get some TLC but in my mind the MOST uncomfortable thing right now would be meeting new people.

After two weeks of an abnormal lifestyle of traveling, in and out of airports which is sooo 2014 Krystal. This week I’m back to my “new normal”. I have three doctor appointments but what’s unusual, not one is to see my GI! Shocking right?!?! I almost forgot that my colon should not be my only health concern.

Taking one day at a time . . . .

Deep thoughts . . .

I’m starting my weekly follow-ups with my GI this week, something I never anticipated, but I guess it needs to be done in order for me to get to remission. During my appointment last week when my GI asked if there is a possibility I could be pregnant or plan to have kids anytime soon, I quickly said no, but it scared me. These upcoming treatments will be more intense and I assume will have long term effects on my body. The idea of not being able to have kids has never crossed my mind. But now it weighs heavy . . what if I can’t have kids?

I feel like I have been numb for a long time even before I was diagnosed, showing little emotion, thinking what is the point of wasting energy on something you can’t control or fix, just let it be. But being numb is not healthy, what is the enjoyment in life walking around like a zombie? . . .

Ever since I have been diagnosed there has been many nights I have cried myself to sleep, thinking Why me? What have I done to deserve this? And no matter how hard I have tried to control every aspect of my life, as I grow older I have finally accepted that life is unexpected. Life is a roller-coaster, life continues to go on . . . I found the below video on my Facebook news-feed, one young woman’s story of her depression and living with Lupus. I decided to share because I can relate to her story in many ways and admire her perseverance and strength. Please watch and share this powerful video.

To my fellow IBDers, Stay Strong!

Stress . . .

TW stress pic

Yeah . . . I had about 4 WTF moments today!! Job stressed me out and now I’m completely exhausted. Instead of spring cleaning this evening I’ll be heading to bed shortly smh . . . I gotta do better