It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted and it was hard to understand why until recently. . . I’ve been dealing with the big “D” in 2018, depression. It’s sad because I started the year on such a high note, I believed. The last time I wrote I left a job and living situation that made me often broke and stressed. I decided to leave without a future job prospect and let life take the wheel, i was too tired and exhausted to care anymore. The last job interview I had before moving back to my moms was in Washington DC. I didn’t think I would get the job so I continued my move back to Baltimore an hour and a half from my former location.
By a struck of luck I got the job and was excited for this new chapter in life, that wonderful feeling only lasted for two weeks. First time in my life I regretted taking a job. In addition to my commute and the demands of this job where I worked late for the first time two weeks in, I cried. I had extreme feelings of regret. Unrealistic deadlines, unexpected meetings scheduled for Saturday, bosses throwing me under the bus three months into the job, wtf ?!? I felt like I was deceived or not the right person for the job. But i quickly realized everyone around me was miserable and many other newcomers had the same feeling, what a shame. The work itself is interesting but I’ve realized that its not enough. My anxiety got so bad I could no longer sleep so I went to my doctor and asked for help. She suggested I seek therapy, a new job, and prescribed me an anti-depressant, Lexapro. Lexapro has helped, but seeking therapy and a new job is a work in progress. For me to move from one toxic environment to another I just became num and stayed in the house and slept for most of this year.
I expressed my concerns with my current employer, first time i have ever done so, and basically going into my bosses office stating how I’m going to quit and how I need help, and the little help they provided aka my other new staff member was weird. It was up to us to figure this out, so we’re learning by making continuous mistakes, seems the way of how things are done. I had to plan to work this holiday weekend but fuck it, i’ll deal with it tomorrow. The Lexapro helps to num anxiety where it no longer causes stomach pain and a potential flare-up, but it’s just a band aid for my current situation. As I wrote this, i checked my work email three times, thinking I’ll miss something being this paranoid is not healthy .
Me writing again I hope is a step in the right direction. 2018 has not been fun.
A week ago I attended onsite training at my job, total training session was 4 hours. Prior to the training, the idea of being stuck in a quiet room with people where I’m forced to be social for four hours spiked my anxiety. Not just for the social aspect, but the past couple of weeks I have had digestive issues and a recent fit with diarrhea, on average I was going to the bathroom at least 5 times a day. My secret spot became the lobby bathroom to avoid the shame of co-workers knowing who “blew up” the bathroom, sorry for the visual lol. Overall the training session went better than I expected until it was it was lunch time. . .
We were asked to pre-order our lunch so I chose a meaty chef salad that was gluten-sensitive . It was basically lunch meat and lettuce, but I forgot to specify the dressing and discovered the default dressing for this salad was Ranch dressing, I subconsciously smacked myself. Since I was one of the last people to return to room for lunch after a dash to the restroom and checking my emails, by the time I arrived everyone was eating I did not want to look like the odd ball refusing to eat, and was glad I ordered a side soup. I ordered a cup of organic vegetable soup thinking that would be safe but of course my order was mixed up, I received a tomato soup with cheese instead. That’s when my stomach started to ache, thinking about my GERD and the two hours of training remaining in this quiet room with 8 other people. I quickly observed the small group of us in the room and noticed everyone was eating all the food that was provided, someone was enjoying my soup! I just put the tomato soup to the side, saved it to eat for dinner in the safest environment, aka my apartment.
I was glad I missed half the time allotted for our lunch break so I could no longer torture myself by eating the ranch covered salad. When it was time to re-group I quickly put my salad and soup aside in the back of the room however, I noticed that whenever someone stepped out they quickly looked at my half eaten salad and cup of soup uneaten. I’m glad no one said a word, I was okay with being quietly judged.
Nearing the end of the training session, my stomach was killing me, I had to go. I continuously looked at my phone counting down the minutes that I could escape to the lobby restroom, but people kept asking questions! I’ve noticed I like to torture myself. I could have easily said I have to go, meeting in 5 minutes but no, I sat there began to sweat and shaking my leg to distract myself from the pain I was feeling, and of course we went 5 minutes over. When it finally ended and we all clapped and said goodbye, I ran to my desk to get my Mask spray and quietly walked to the elevator like nothing was wrong. Got to the lobby and ran to the restroom, first time I felt relieved that day . . . literally . . I hate ranch dressing!
Roommate drama is at an all time high. Crazy roommate want to leave a month early and expected us to find a replacement. Who’s going to move into an apartment for one month in February?!?! Today is January 30th, and we have obviously not been able to find a replacement. Me and the other roommate tried to have a civil conversation with crazy girl to explain how silly she was acting, she was not having it and said things that would involve her “lawyer”. After that conversation things really haven’t gotten any better. And the other roommate who keeps trying to help is making matters worst. I have two roommates one is batshit crazy, the other is severely passive aggressive and doesn’t even know it. I’m in the middle like what the hell is going on?!?! From all this drama I went to bed around 8pm with a migraine and my neck killing me, I had to sleep with a neck pillow.
The passive aggressive roommate said to me, Krystal you never argue. I half smiled. I have too much stress in my life to argue with crazy people. Arguing with a crazy person is like talking in a calm voice to a person that’s waving their arms and screaming, it’s a waste of energy. So I told her with the stress at my job, recent car accident and my damaged car, oh! and I have Crohn’s, I don’t have the time or energy to deal with people and their pride.
Been in Panera Bread since 11am it is now 2:15pm. I’ll be leaving soon, scheduled a facial at a nearby spa. I need to relax somehow, pray for me lol Less than a month away until I move into my own place. Thank goodness.
You would think being snowed in for 5 days would be relaxing! Not for me! I’m over it, and not talking about the snow. . . .
Another busy stressful week, can’t wait until this conference is over at my job, so exhausting. As a result of the stress I saw blood for the first time in months . . . sighs . . . can’t sleep, felt nauseous for a few days and hard to breath one day. I think I was about to have an anxiety attack. So I started drinking some wine and taking a nap whenever I can and that has helped, and I haven’t seen blood since. I really never know what’s going on with my body, I just take it one day at a time.
Since I live in the DC metro area, we have been hit by the storm of the century!! Blizzard 2016! And I’m so over it lol Especially after my experience Wednesday night. Instead of going straight home Wednesday I decided head to downtown DC to my special pharmacy to pick up my humira injections. With 20 minutes until the pharmacy closed I got completely lost walking around and then it started snowing. Completely frustrated and tired, I headed back to metro and was stressed thinking how am I going to pickup my prescription before the blizzard.
I got back to where I parked my car and started driving to my apt which was 2 miles away. The snow started to stick and as I drove I saw an SUV literally parked on the sidewalk, as I stared in shock and slowly drove by I felt my car start to slide and tail spin. “Great!” was the first word that came out of my mouth, as I started to move my car back to the right so I’m no longer blocking traffic, another car hits me. Now my nerves are shot, and a piece of my car is in the street. . once I again i say “Freaking great!” Luckily I was okay and the other driver was too. We exchange information , his car was fine and he drove off. I should’ve done the same but I didn’t feel safe driving. Car insurance stated if your car is drive-able we can’t send a tow truck. . . “Freaking AMAZING” is what I said.
Fast forward 6 hours later, slipping and sliding with hundreds of other cars I finally arrived at my apartment after parking my damaged car a few blocks away. I was exhausted! During those 6 hours I was thankful for the little bit of water I had that I used to take my pills. Also my leftover salad from lunch that i ate with my hands . . it was just a really bad day.
I took off the next day and was finally able to get my humira and other necessities for this blizzard. I really wish I could completely relax ,but thinking of all the work I can catch up on, it sucks I have the ability to work remotely. . . I’m over this and the snow!
I have my colonoscopy tomorrow which holds my future. I should not allow this procedure to hold such power, but I really need 2016 to be different . . . I put on a good face as always but I’m tired of faking that I’m so much happier lately feeling better . . i’m not. And I feel like this illness has trapped me this past year. I was ready to quit my job and just move, anywhere . . can’t do that when you have a chronic illness and need a job to get health insurance to pay for your meds. . sighs . .
My Christmas was fine, but didn’t appreciate my love life being the main topic. I don’t understand why lately it’s been such a main topic among my family and friends lately . . . . I’m curious to know how many people that were sick that got healthy, and the first thing on their list is to find a husband/wife?? . . like that’s going to solve all my problems . . but I guess I can’t knock it until I try it. . .so to appease everyone i’m making a genuine effort to find my “love” in 2016. So when people ask again, I can say yes, i am no longer single . . .
Apologies for the melodramatics lol I’m on this liquid diet today, starving and dreading the Suprep I will have to consume in 4 hours and the results of it . . . I really need to stop planning these procedures around the holidays, sick of lying to people how great my holiday break was . . .
I need 2016 to be different . .
Yeah this song pretty much sums up how I feel at any social setting lately . . .
I found this awesome article on BuzzFeed titled, “What you say to someone with chronic pain, and what they hear”. . It displays images of typical conversations that people with a chronic illness have with “normal” people everyday. I loved the article because I could relate, but then I thought, “why isn’t it okay for me to take people at their word? Why must I think more into it?” I have my many reasons and have been suffering from anxiety and insecurities long before I was diagnosed. . . . But being diagnosed with Crohn’s (Yes, I am accepting this crohn’s diagnosis for now) which is a chronic illness and how my life has dramatically changed in the past 9 months, these images spoke volumes. I’m always questioning people’s’ intentions. It’s the reason why lately I no longer openly discuss my illness outside of my immediate family, unless someone ask. I can just imagine someone rolling their eyes when I talk about my illness, even though I have never seen it happen, I can just imagine it or expect it to happen. . . I know . . .a sad, exhausting way to live that’s why at times I hate being alone with my thoughts.
BuzzFeed posted another interesting video “what anxious people actually hear”, of course it has a comedic twist, but I’m sure many can relate 🙂