It’s nothing cute about being shy . . .

I’m mad at myself . . . all those years when I was too insecure, shy, timid, to try new things all because I was worried how I would look to others,  was such a waste of my time and unnecessary stress. The past two years of my life I felt like I had finally grew up. Learning to love myself and not care about what people think. All those times I was sitting at home with my feelings hurt crying over people who didn’t give a damn about me. Being sad and alone thinking about them and I’m 100% sure they were not doing the same thinking about me. I’m sick of being nice. I’ve learned just because you’re nice to others don’t expect to receive the same treatment. In this society people are only looking out for themselves, so it’s time that I care only about me. I’m gonna be selfish while I’m young and single. I’m going to try new hobbies and not wait around for someone to join me. Going solo, purposely putting myself in possibly socially awkward situations. Combating my anxiety head on!

Which makes me think of this new job. The new job is great, I actually like my job but have noticed the cliques and how HR and IT are lazy. So lazy that in a recent “updated” job listing sent to the entire staff, my job title was incorrect. Luckily my boss noticed before I did and requested a correction, but I noticed another error is this listing in regards to my information. In the past, I would just briefly mentioned it needs to be changed and hope they will do it. Naa . . not anymore, in a heartbeat people will jump on me if I do my job incorrectly, so I’ll do the same. Not only will I notify you of your mistake but will Cc our superiors. I’ve noticed the more outspoken and direct you are, shit gets done. People might not like you, but they will respect you. No longer interested in being well-liked, i’m there to do a job and go home and live my life. Sick of my jobs “being” my life.

All those years when I was healthy and had the energy to do many things, I didn’t! All because of the fear of being judge. Such a  waste of time and energy. .  .so now I have this major setback called IBD, and at the moment, crohn’s disease.  Where the thoughts of going to a public event for hours, standing in long lines, traveling and long road trips, are currently high on my list of fears. But this fear is temporary, I will get over it one day and okay with going at it solo.

Remaining hopeful, taking one day at a time. . .

Big leap of faith . .

So I got a new job. . which is the worst timing when it comes to my IBD treatment. Even though I have been having issues lately in regards to my joints, and blood sugar, I have been okay otherwise. Honestly, the bad days I have had lately I believe are a result of severe stress from my current job. I remember sitting at my desk last week saying to myself, “this place is going to put me back in the hospital” . .  Just too much going on and other team members have left, so it’s been stressful for everyone. Also, it might have been a sign for me to go when my hard-drive crashed two weeks ago and all my files from the past 2 years disappeared. . .

When you start a new job you have to survive the 90 day probation, and I am hoping I will be well enough to make it without needing to see any of my doctors. I have not revealed my illness to my new employer yet, since I’m still not officially diagnosed, and my condition is not considered severe, I plan to earn my keep/respect from colleagues before I reveal myself as the “sick girl”. I know it’s a big risk, but before I was diagnosed I  was sick for months at my job and never took off. Now that I know what is going on and what to avoid, I believe I will be fine. Everything will be okay.

I gave my notice on Friday and this past weekend was the best sleep I have had in like a year.  I do not recall the last time I have been so relaxed. Speaking to family members on the phone they said I sounded different, even happy. Which is sooo not me lol For the first time ever I am not worried when I feel like I should be? right? This job is further away so my commute is longer, and I will lose the great benefits and IBD friendly environment at my current job, but having those benefits was not enough to keep me there. Who knows what I’ll say 3-6 months from now, I might say I should have stayed, but I will not regret taking this risk. . . .

I finally see my GI next week and sent another email today via the patient portal on how I will start tapering my prednisone intake down to 20mg a day. I wonder if I will even receive a response? Either way, we will need to discuss the next steps in my treatment, he has had 2 months to figure it out hopefully I will finally get an answer. My goal for the appointment next week is to stock up on whatever meds he wants to put me on, and make it clear to him that I will not be able to see him for months, or maybe never again.  I am somewhat glad my insurance will be different at the new job, it will force me to find a new GI. . . I swear I sound like a crazy person . . . but I’m happy . . and sleeping well, which is awesome!

Remaining hopeful and taking one day at a time 🙂