Tomorrow is the big day . . .

I have my colonoscopy tomorrow which holds my future. I should not allow this procedure to hold such power, but I really need 2016 to be different . . . I put on a good face as always but I’m tired of faking that I’m so much happier lately feeling better  . . i’m not. And I feel like this illness has trapped me this past year. I was ready to quit my job and just move, anywhere . . can’t do that when you have a chronic illness and need a job to get health insurance to pay for your meds. . sighs . .

My Christmas was fine, but didn’t appreciate my love life being the main topic. I don’t understand why lately it’s been such a main topic among my family and friends lately .  .  . . I’m curious to know how many people that were sick that got healthy, and the first thing on their list is to find a husband/wife?? . . like that’s going to solve all my problems . . but I guess I can’t knock it until I try it. . .so to appease everyone i’m making a genuine effort to find my “love” in 2016. So when people ask again, I can say yes, i am no longer single . . .

Apologies for the melodramatics lol I’m on this liquid diet today, starving and dreading the Suprep I will have to consume in 4 hours and the results of it . . . I really need to stop planning these procedures around the holidays, sick of lying to people how great my holiday break was . . .

I need 2016 to be different  . .

I look pretty? . . .

I stared at myself in the mirror the other night and said out loud “WOW”. My skin was so clear and the weight lost was noticeable in my face. I said “I look pretty”. Something I feel so wrong for saying not just because it might come off as cocky, but the reasons why I look pretty might be a facade. Starting with my hairstyle. My hair is currently in braids, I decided to get this hairstyle due to the low maintenance, but also I have noticed my hair is starting to fall out. My hair has been thin and damaged for months, stress and these meds definitely play a factor so these long braids make me feel pretty and boost my confidence. Many will deny, but a new hair-do can definitely give you a self-esteem boost.

My skin has cleared significantly. I will give most credit to the FODMAP diet by consuming real food and drinking lots of water, it truly “does the body good”. But, I have been moisturizing my skin like crazy since being discharged from the hospital. After being discharged I swear it felt like I had alligator skin for weeks, my skin was so dry.

My weight. I have lost a good amount  of weight to where my clothes are hanging off of me, but nothing significant where I look sickly. Even though many get excited about losing weight, I do not. My current wardrobe is filled with big clothes and I cannot afford to buy anything new right now. Even if I could afford to buy new clothes it would be a waste of money. I had a mini-flare over the weekend and woke up Sunday morning looking like I was 6 months pregnant. It was the first time my sweat pants fit in months, but by the afternoon they were hanging again.

When people continue to say, “Oh you look amazing, you look great” I’ll take the compliment, no longer going to fight it. I’ll take as many positive vibes as I can get.