In need of some TLC . . . .

The “D word” is nothing new for me, I think I have had it for years it just took this disease for me to feel brave enough to openly admit it. No diagnosis, something I have never discussed but lately its kind of hard to disguise. To purposely isolate yourself from the world, your family and friends to be left alone is not good or healthy, I’m just sick of being unhappy. I’m sick of disappointment, sick of dealing with people and their feelings, just annoyed and tired.

Maybe it’s not depression, maybe its my way of not feeling in control anymore. This illness is making me vulnerable which is something I have always feared; to be viewed as weak, sensitive,  and not good enough, but thinking this way is soooo exhausting, I’m tired . . I know many will say, you need to talk to someone or you can always talk to me .  . . What if I don’t feel like talking? The last thing I want to do is make others depressed/sad I think it pushes people away so I don’t like to talk. Who wants to hang out with the person that complains all the time?

I have had many issues in my life with my self-esteem and my goal was to get my shit together by the age of 30, wanted to start this new decade of life as a “new me”. My 29th birthday is a month away and I feel even further away from this goal. 2014 was my year of doing things that scared me and I did, It was a great year.  So for 2015 my goal was to get healthy physically and mentally, who knew a chronic illness would be revealed! lucky me! 2015 sucks . . . .  As I approach this new year of life and my favorite day of the year, I’m not excited . . . . at all. What’s exciting about another year of meds, and seeing my doctors more than family and the few friends I do have? What is there to look forward to?  I always celebrate my birthday, not this year, not in the mood.

And then it’s the “L word”, that word is a foreign language to me. I expected to be married and popping out my 2nd kid by now . . . a vision that seems more like in my dreams. Never saw the “value” in having a serious relationship, growing up everyone I knew in a relationship was unhappy, why would I want that? but maybe that’s my problem, I only see the value in things in my life than accepting things/people for the way they are. . . I think I just had an “aha!” moment.

I’m one of the last few single ladies, something to no longer brag about nearing 30! Starting to look sad, I think its sad, my way of thinking once again . . . I’ll admit every time I hear the song single ladies I wish I could take a shot lol  It would be nice to get some TLC but in my mind the MOST uncomfortable thing right now would be meeting new people.

After two weeks of an abnormal lifestyle of traveling, in and out of airports which is sooo 2014 Krystal. This week I’m back to my “new normal”. I have three doctor appointments but what’s unusual, not one is to see my GI! Shocking right?!?! I almost forgot that my colon should not be my only health concern.

Taking one day at a time . . . .

Deep thoughts . . .

I’m starting my weekly follow-ups with my GI this week, something I never anticipated, but I guess it needs to be done in order for me to get to remission. During my appointment last week when my GI asked if there is a possibility I could be pregnant or plan to have kids anytime soon, I quickly said no, but it scared me. These upcoming treatments will be more intense and I assume will have long term effects on my body. The idea of not being able to have kids has never crossed my mind. But now it weighs heavy . . what if I can’t have kids?

I feel like I have been numb for a long time even before I was diagnosed, showing little emotion, thinking what is the point of wasting energy on something you can’t control or fix, just let it be. But being numb is not healthy, what is the enjoyment in life walking around like a zombie? . . .

Ever since I have been diagnosed there has been many nights I have cried myself to sleep, thinking Why me? What have I done to deserve this? And no matter how hard I have tried to control every aspect of my life, as I grow older I have finally accepted that life is unexpected. Life is a roller-coaster, life continues to go on . . . I found the below video on my Facebook news-feed, one young woman’s story of her depression and living with Lupus. I decided to share because I can relate to her story in many ways and admire her perseverance and strength. Please watch and share this powerful video.

To my fellow IBDers, Stay Strong!