Dark Times

Obviously my plan of posting weekly fell through smh . . . never thought working from remotely would be so hectic. The entire month of April & May I working an average of 12 hours a day, eating fast food because by the time I finished working, it was 8 pm and I was hungry. As a result I’ve gained at least 10 pounds, severe bloating no matter what I eat, and of course still paranoid that I might get the rona virus. Stressed to the max . . . Exhausting.

As a person with a compromised immune system and a person of color, this year just keeps getting worst. For the month of June I’ve decided to start living a healthier lifestyle. Since we’ve been told we will be working remotely until labor day, I have the following plan to enhance my life physically and mentally.

Enjoy the outdoors – I live in a highrise small 1-bedroom apartment with no balcony, just a big window. When I was working those crazy hours I was literally in my apartment for days, like 4-5 days that I had not left my apartment! It was insanity. My daily routine was work, work, eat, watch tv, fall asleep on couch, move to bed around 3am, and then do it all over it again. I was miserable. Moving forward my goal is to go for a 1-hour walk at least three days a week at the bare minimum. Me exercising in any other way will not happen until gyms reopen, so I’ve given up on that goal. Currently looking into hiking trails.

Have a social life outside of Zoom work meetings

I am in no hurry to see my coworkers again, I see them almost daily via the unnecessary amount of zoom meetings. It’s gotten to a point I cannot stand to look at my face. As a result, I’ve been breaking social distancing rules like staying at my moms for a week at a time, inviting one friend over. To social distance safe socializing such as virtual happy hours, facetime family members etc. Currently looking into virtual networking events so whenever quarantine is over, I can hopefully look into new opportunities.

Therapy – I recently signed up again for betterhelp.com, online therapy service. Speaking to my counselor for the past 2 months has been a lifesaver. Plan to increase my communications with her and join a friend’s weekly “sister circle”. It an online group of black women talking about everyday topics, having those discussions and being apart of a community would be helpful. Also I want to buy plants lol I need to create a zen environment within my small apartment, looking into a mini waterfall too.

Eating healthier – Decided to start a pescartian diet that will hopefully help me lose this gut and reduce the amount of fast food I was eating. Since seafood is expensive, I’ll have a cheat day or two, but consciously eating the right food that is healthy and good for my gut I should hopefully get the results I desire.

Stop online shopping – It’s insane how many products I have purchased since qurantine started, just bought some more hair products today! It’s a problem. As a deterrance I have purposedly randomized my amazon account password to something I have forgotten already. Trying to hold off ordering anything else for the rest of this month.

Lastly, with the pandemic and George Floyd, we are truly living through dark times and for the first time I can say everyone is suffering in some way. It’s scary and very sad times. To my fellow americans of color I see you, and feel your pain, and always we live and take each day at a time. To my non-people of color allies, thank you for the support in all the peaceful protests and I ask that you stick around after the cops’ conviction. Things can only change if we’re all in this together. #blacklivesmatter

I got feelings . . .

This Quarantine is no joke. Living alone with just you and your thoughts for WEEKS is not healthy. I felt so unhealthy a couple of weeks ago that my 2.5 years of no symptoms decided to end. Stomach pain, frequent trips to the bathroom returned, and just feeling uncomfortable all day, every day. Immediately I knew I had to change my thinking, my habits, I had to change something! I had to calm down, relax.

I decided to do an exercise using the word “Feelings”. Plan to challenge myself every week by choosing words to describe my weekly mental state. I hope it’s a way of reflection and relaxation to help reduce my stress, we shall see.

F is for Frustrated – Disappointed in the lack of leadership at my job and expectations that i’m available all day every day. They need to understand I’m working from home due to a crisis, this is not remote work.

E is for Exhausted – Overthinking about life decisions keeps my mind too busy at night which results in a lot of sleepless nights. Being inside all day was fun at first, now just exhausting not doing anything.

E is for Emotional. This past week I have had negative energy thrown my way. A male supervisor trying to dim my shine, a romantic relationship with so much potential, to be disappointed . . . again. Just a wreck! Tears, anger, ripping pages from a book, Dramatic!! lol

L is for Loneliness. I haven’t hugged, or touch a person in like a month, craziness to me. This quarantine makes you miss even the littlest things. At times, it makes me wish I had a roommate . . just for a moment! But that face to face interaction is so important, I didn’t even realize it.

I is for Improving. Since last Monday, I have had some serious negative energy thrown my way but my initial reactions were calm, mature, and professional. I was proud of myself. In the past dealing with such drama would cause a stomach ache immediately, but now allowing that energy to roll off my back, is such an improvement.

N is for Nervous. This COVID-19 will forever change our lives. Having a sickly grandmother and a father with a pre-existing condition, and myself having an autoimmune disease, a simple task of going to the grocery store can be a serious risk for me and my family. It’s nerve wracking to lose that control over your freedom and livelihood due to this virus.

G is for Grateful. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, currently healthy, and live to see another day. Fingers crossed it stays this way.

S is for Safe. Even though it’s gets lonely, being alone during this time is probably the safest way to be for my health. Can’t wait until this shit is over!! lol

After writing this, I actually do feel a little better. 🙂

As always, trying to remain positive and keeping hope alive.

I’ll be back . . . .

“It’s been a long time I shouldn’t have left you . .. ” I can’t believe I have not posted since 2018! 2019 was a crazy busy year filled with traveling, new job, new men lol A lot going on, then 2020 comes and literally the world stops! It’s funny because in January I said to myself, it feels like 2017 all over again with certain aspects of my life and was trying to figure out how to break the routine, then COVID-19 happens, so now I have the time! Excited to be writing again!

Happy New Year! . . . Ugh . . . :(

So . . . it’s less than an hour until the New Year and everyone on social media are posting New Year resolutions and all these positive messages “out with the old, in with the new!” etc. But let’s be real, its not like next week is going to be amazing and wonderful just because it’s a new year. Since I was diagnosed I told myself to let go, because me having this disease was completely out of my control. I finally learned you cannot control your life, just gotta ride the waves. I’ve been riding waves somewhat smoothly until this year, so many things have happened out of my control, such bad luck lately, I’m just speechless

2017 overall was a “healthy” year because I was not admitted to the hospital. After I was discharged in 2015 I told myself every year is great as long as I am not in a hospital. Well its hard for me to continue to abide by that saying, because 2017 was shitty. It started off being scammed by a crappy dentist office and paying TOO MUCH money in dental work, its nothing like being taken advantage of when you’re in pain. Then my job which has been a pain in my side for years now, I’ve been trying to get out of there before it got worst. Well it got worst a few weeks ago, my boss was fired and somehow I’m cleaning up his mess plus my job until his replacement is hired. How is that fair? Why is this not being reflected in my income?  I moved to my apartment about 9 months ago, my lease is up for renewal in April and I’m hearing through the grapevine that peoples’ rent is being increased to $200 a month. WTF?!?! Yes, I understand renovations occurred 3 months after I moved in that I had no knowledge of before I signed the lease, but how is such a rent increase even legal? Oh yes! VA is not rent-controlled, so they can charge whatever they want!

The one good thing about my current job is that the office is closed from Xmas until New Year’s, but I guess you’re still expected to work because when I did check my email this past week I noticed I received emails daily from our Interim Director . .  . I read but did not respond . . was on Holiday Break *shrugs*  . . . I spent the week at my moms sleeping, watching tv, and eating, best week ever. I returned to my apartment today to see two unexpected tax bills. One from a county I haven’t lived in since May and a letter from the IRS because HR Block fucked up . . . so tomorrow being January 1st will not put a smile on this face. . .

I am sorry to anyone I have wronged, please remove this hex, cause this bad luck is making me very depressed. Hmm that kind of rhymes  . . lol

The first 3 months of 2018 will be the most stressful, and I have never been so grateful to be back on Humira because if not I might be admitted to the hospital. I know some might read this and say “stay positive” but  right now I am living in the present. The present me is broke, stressed, and getting fat from all this stress eating lately. Im sleeping in tonight and plan to be at the gym in the AM. I hope my car will not have a flat tire since one of my tire’s air pressure looked low today due to freezing temps. I’ll put air in it tomorrow hopefully that works for the time being,  but I have a feeling I will have to purchase new tires soon with the non-existent money I have . . . . . sighs

For those of you living high on life, please send some of those good vibes my way . . . it is greatly needed.

Happy New Year . .

IBD is annoying . . . .

I have missed doing the things i love, like writing for this blog . . . Past few months have been annoying! I refuse to say hard because overall i’m living a good life and is now grateful i’m healthy again . . “now” is the keyword.

Last time I chatted with you I was going in for a colonoscopy because the bleeding, stomach pains, and frequent trips to the bathroom came back with revenge. The results of the colonoscopy showed I had proctitis which is an inflammation of the lining of the rectum. So I was immediately prescribed Canasa which didn’t work at all. I got so sick i took 3 days off of work and was on a gatorade, chicken broth diet. After another visit to my GI’s office they put me on Cortifoam as a temporary solution until  . . .  .dun dun dun!! . . they put me back on Humira! Sighs .  . . as I sit slumped in a corner feeling defeated. 😦

Humira has been my saving grace in the past and I hope it works again this time around but reality is beginning to set for me . . . will I have to be dependent on medications for the rest of life with this disease ?!? Almost three years in and it’s still hard for me to accept, I just cannot grasp that this will be lifelong . . . wow . . . it’s such a defeating feeling. Prior to getting sick I took the initiative to be more healthy. I signed up for a gym membership, got a personal trainer so I can exercise safely this time around, then I got really sick. When I was diagnosed in 2014 it was too after I was physically active, I was diagnosed 4 months after doing my first Mud Run obstacle course, I was in the best shape of life. Could this be a trigger? Can’t be right? Another topic for another day.

I have officially started Humira, completed the horrible 4 injections starter pack  2 weeks ago and starting to wean off the cortifoam which was my 2nd saving grace. I’ll take cortifoam any day over prednisone. I’m back at the gym, PT sessions are over and I have now become a gym rat, at the gym like 4 days a week, cray cray! But I’m proud of myself! I overcame a flare to going back to doing something I enjoy. Now just need to get rid of this job (which is the main reason why I’m in the gym 4 days a week, another post for another day).

As always, I remain hopeful and taking one day at a time.

Well it was nice while it lasted . . . :(

Eh . . . Remission was fun while it lasted, or maybe I’m jumping the gun! I’ll know for sure on Tuesday, have an endoscopy and colonoscopy scheduled . . .  sighs

Bleeding and having bloody stools has been consistent for the past month so I finally forced myself to go see my GI, I really hope it’s just hemorrhoids but after falling asleep on my couch for the 3rd night in a row. . . . yeah it’s something.  When I saw my GI he was quick to suggest I get back on Prednisone and I just wasn’t having it by my childish response “Do I have to!!”  He suggested we look inside before he puts me back on meds. I’m really trying to lose weight because it’s just been out of control lately and going back on steroids will not help. I’m at my heaviest weight ever and to many that know me I still look skinny, but for me It’s not about being skinny, it’s about being healthy and if I can’t fit my clothes lol   I’ve always said when I can’t fit my clothes is when I’ll start to care about my weight, well I can’t fit my clothes now and too broke to go shopping. I’ve been so sick, stressed, and busy this year my body is like nope! I think it’s time to make lifestyle changes and make big moves because my life has been the same for the past couple of years and I’m not getting any healthier.

I’ve see many others in my life get married, have kids, new relationships and friendships and my life has been stagnant. The only continuous surprise is my illness, never know when it wants to come back and ruin all my plans like usual . . . . but that’s because I allow it, my goal is to avoid doing that this time. Outside of my IBD I’m still working on me. Been at my new apartment for almost 4 months now and I love it! Still at the same job, hopefully for not too much longer. I just feel like our director just ruined a good thing, before he started we had a well oiled machine he decided to throw a wrench at it and leave it broken . . . and I’m literally sick of putting out fires. I think the stress is the reason why I started to flare up, non-profit jobs are fun on the surface but just soooo unorganized and stressful. Just joined a gym and signed up for a personal trainer . . . I’m very stubborn so I feel sorry for him lol but it’s something different and hopefully he holds me accountable. I’ve created a meetup for fellow health bloggers in my area, we’re 3 strong at the moment but the goal is to network with people with a similar passion and see what happens, and in a weird way it will be cool to be surrounded by fellow chronic illness folks *shrugs* .  I’ve tried support groups and always left feeling worst, going to try something different this time around. Lastly, gonna try to get a PMP certification, I hate taking any forms of a test with a passion but If I can pass this, I think it will be a life changer. Since I’m single with no kids I’m trying to spoil myself as much as I can with all this “Me” time .

As always remaining hopeful and taking one day at time.

A wonderful visit :)

I’ve been feeling kind of down lately and my current flare up proves it. Stress is definitely a trigger for me and I almost had an accident a couple of days ago to prove it. Not really appealing at 31 years old but I digress lol

Whenever I’m down I’m not the most happy person to be around and I start to feel like I’m living in a fog and just frustrated with the world. Not really a pleasant feeling. I had a dream last night that featured my favorite uncle that passed away about 15 years ago. Wow . . didn’t realize it’s been so long. Growing up as an only child and raised by my single mother he was that one consistent positive, fun, male figure in my life until I was 16 when he passed. Since his death whenever I have a dream and he’s in it, I feel like it’s his way of saying hi. It might be silly to think so, but since it happens so rarely I almost vividly remember every dream I’ve seen him. I’m not the most religious person but I do believe in life after death and that we do have our own guardian angels. I have had an experience where I was crossing the street and I thought my friend was pushing me across, to look back and see my friend still on the other side of the street and the truck that almost hit me stopped. I was literally pushed and remember feeling fingers on my back, that more than anything convinced me that spirits exist.

So last night I had a dream and my uncle appeared, in past dreams I’ve never had a conversation with him, he was just talking to other family members, it was like a scene out of my life. For the first time in a dream I walked up to him and said “Hi, I miss you and if this is your way of saying hi, I thank you so much for doing this.” He just smiled and then I woke up. I cried for a good 10 minutes, it just seemed so real and I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed my uncle. 15 years later, I’ve realized losing a loved one is something you’ll never get over, but just learn how to live without them.

Even though I’ve been feeling down, I’m grateful to wake up and see another day. There are many days where life is so hard, especially when having good health is not always guaranteed, but life is also so very precious and its nice to know that I’m not always alone.

As always taking one day at a time and remaining hopeful.

IBD back at it again . . . :(

As I embark on my 31st first birthday tomorrow, I’m reflecting on how 2017 has been so far , and it’s been a busy year. In addition, I’ve been eating what I want, not exercising, candy/soda galore. It was like YES! I’m on Remission so I’m going to eat everything I’ve denied myself for two years, and as a result I have gained weight which are normal consequences for such a diet.  Until last week .. . I saw blood for the first time in like a year . . . I didn’t think anything of it since it was not consistent. For the past two days, I have seen significant blood when I wipe and  today was the first time seeing it in the toilet, but I’m still hesitant to contact my GI. I’m scared . . . .

I really do not want to go back on meds and my financial situation isn’t great at the moment so I cannot afford anything extra right now. I do have hemorrhoids so my grandmother suggested hemorrhoid suppositories? never used them but I might try it to just see if it stops the bleeding. I have no other symptons, other than fatigue at the moment but that’s been constant for years. Sighs . . . I have been highly stressed out lately. I think my boss is purposely sinking the ship of our organization and a co-worker told me she’s quitting after our conference next month and I’m sick of putting out his fires . . . I’m just fucking tired . . . So as a way to relax I will be in a spa for 4 hours tomorrow and a custom makeover afterwards, it’s the way I decided to celebrate my birthday this year.

Trying to remain hopeful, taking one day at a time  . . . .


I am beyond exhausted and vitamins are not working, other than excersize and improving my diet what can I do to get more energy? Or what should I remove from my diet?? I felt like the walking dead today and it’s just Monday!!! 

Busy Bee . . . Glad I have the energy!

The past six weeks have been insanely busy and I never want to experience it again lol. Since the first week of May I haven’t had a free weekend since April. From a friend’s bachelorette and wedding, mom’s graduation, moving, and mini vacay to Jamaica I’m officially spent physically and my bank account is dry.  But I’m not complaining, I can go on a ramen diet, I’m excited that I can eat ramen again lol. It’s crazy to think two years ago I would’ve declined majority of those events due to my poor health. So I have been grateful to be invited and healthy enough to go to each event. I am afraid to miss out. I feel like for almost two years I was at such a low health wise and mentally that I checked out of my life, I was in a fog . . This year is the first with no meds and complete remission, so I’m trying to do everything before this good health goes away *knock on wood*.

Even though IBD-wise I have had a clean slate this year, I’ve been sick in many other ways. For example my two spells with Tonsillitis this year, last time I had it was 20 years ago. I saw an ENT doctor and he stated if it happens five more times this year, then I’ll suggest you get your tonsils removed . .. WTH?!?  In addition to my tonsils my teeth have been horrendous, still paying off dental work from last year, getting two crowns and a root canal is no joke. Thinking about getting a 2nd job to pay off debt, but I’m scared the stress and physicalitly of working two jobs would be too much for my body. I’ve had this random craving for ginger ale, would drink it everyday if I could. . . last time I had such cravings it was to help with my stomach and shortly after I was admitted to the hospital. I hope this is not an early sign of a flare up, fingers crossed.

Remaining hopeful and taking one day at a time!