2016 will be different! . .

I really didn’t intend to take a little break after my remission post, but I was exhausted.  Instead of napping after my colonoscopy I stayed up and ate myself into oblivion, and was exhausted and constipated for days. Didn’t feel better until New Year’s Eve and of course I wanted to go out, but due to me just recovering from a cold and a colonoscopy, I was starting to think it was not the best idea. And since plans were still undecided it was starting to stress me out; made my stomach hurt lol, I decided not to go out. So my mom invited me to go to church, and I initially hesitated because I am not the most religious person, but why not start the New Year in a positive environment. I went to church on New Year’s Eve and it was one of the best decisions I made. I left feeling better, mentally, and more optimistic about my future  . . . I kind of wish I would’ve made an effort to go to church more often last year when I was really depressed, but I spent many Sundays in bed.

I was very excited about the news of remission, it means we found a drug that works!! Since I’m still fairly new to having this disease it was hard for me to grasp that in order to stay in remission I have to continue to take this drug (Humira). . For some reason, I thought remission was “Yay! no drugs” But remission doesn’t mean cured, these meds can’t cure IBD because there is no cure, and once that sunk in; I’ll admit I felt kind of sad.. I have come to accept that I will  be on medications for the rest of my life? .  It’s kind of scary, and is it safe to be on Humira for a long period of time? Will it continue to work? As usual i like to stress myself out over all the possibilities . .  . . I just hate being surprised. . .but I have no control over this disease.  Like my friends and family have said in the past few days, “Krystal take this as a positive, and tackle the issues when they come” . . . . This is something I will train myself to do!

Living one day at a time and remaining hopeful! Happy New Year!

It’s nothing cute about being shy . . .

I’m mad at myself . . . all those years when I was too insecure, shy, timid, to try new things all because I was worried how I would look to others,  was such a waste of my time and unnecessary stress. The past two years of my life I felt like I had finally grew up. Learning to love myself and not care about what people think. All those times I was sitting at home with my feelings hurt crying over people who didn’t give a damn about me. Being sad and alone thinking about them and I’m 100% sure they were not doing the same thinking about me. I’m sick of being nice. I’ve learned just because you’re nice to others don’t expect to receive the same treatment. In this society people are only looking out for themselves, so it’s time that I care only about me. I’m gonna be selfish while I’m young and single. I’m going to try new hobbies and not wait around for someone to join me. Going solo, purposely putting myself in possibly socially awkward situations. Combating my anxiety head on!

Which makes me think of this new job. The new job is great, I actually like my job but have noticed the cliques and how HR and IT are lazy. So lazy that in a recent “updated” job listing sent to the entire staff, my job title was incorrect. Luckily my boss noticed before I did and requested a correction, but I noticed another error is this listing in regards to my information. In the past, I would just briefly mentioned it needs to be changed and hope they will do it. Naa . . not anymore, in a heartbeat people will jump on me if I do my job incorrectly, so I’ll do the same. Not only will I notify you of your mistake but will Cc our superiors. I’ve noticed the more outspoken and direct you are, shit gets done. People might not like you, but they will respect you. No longer interested in being well-liked, i’m there to do a job and go home and live my life. Sick of my jobs “being” my life.

All those years when I was healthy and had the energy to do many things, I didn’t! All because of the fear of being judge. Such a  waste of time and energy. .  .so now I have this major setback called IBD, and at the moment, crohn’s disease.  Where the thoughts of going to a public event for hours, standing in long lines, traveling and long road trips, are currently high on my list of fears. But this fear is temporary, I will get over it one day and okay with going at it solo.

Remaining hopeful, taking one day at a time. . .

Anxiety . . . please go away . .

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I found this awesome article on BuzzFeed titled, “What you say to someone with chronic pain, and what they hear”. . It displays images of typical conversations that people with a chronic illness have with “normal” people everyday. I loved the article because I could relate, but then I thought, “why isn’t it okay for me to take people at their word? Why must I think more into it?”  I have my many reasons and have been suffering from anxiety and insecurities long before I was diagnosed.  . . . But being diagnosed with Crohn’s (Yes, I am accepting this crohn’s diagnosis for now) which is a chronic illness and how my life has dramatically changed in the past 9 months, these images spoke volumes.  I’m always questioning people’s’ intentions.  It’s the reason why lately I no longer openly discuss my illness outside of my immediate family, unless someone ask.  I can just imagine someone rolling their eyes when I talk about my illness, even though I have never seen it happen, I can just imagine it or expect it to happen. . . I know  . . .a sad, exhausting way to live that’s why at times I hate being alone with my thoughts.

BuzzFeed posted another interesting video “what anxious people actually hear”,  of course it has a comedic twist, but I’m sure many can relate 🙂

A close call . . .

The other day I decided to get a pizza from &pizza, my favorite pizza place in the whole entire world! lol So I had to drive a little out of the way, but it was worth it.  On the highway as I was changing lanes, I heard a car beeping its horn right behind me. My first thought was, “where did you come from?!?!” I did not see his car at all and I assume he sped up when I changed lanes, but according to him I cut him off. As he’s hitting his horn, I throw up my hands like whatever, sorry  . . . we didn’t hit each other and crash be thankful. . .  . . .I quickly discovered he was  a maniac. He decides to cut in front of me and slammed on his brakes as we’re both driving 60+ mph on the highway. Luckily I was paying attention  and was able to slam on my breaks in time, but stupidly out of rage I chased after to him to get his tag number because I was for sure planning to call the police. Of course, I was unable to catch him in my corolla, so I didn’t get his tags 😦

He changed lanes and I slowed down thinking he finally “proved his point” and was moving on,  then I noticed he got back into my lane and started to slow down, it was like he was waiting for me to catch up. . . .  I was in fear for my life. I immediately changed lanes and got off the next exit and almost ran a red light. I was completely distraught, heart pounding, hands shaking, and stomach hurting all at the same time.

You always hear about crazy people with road rage, but to experience it, is the scariest thing I have ever encountered. I just don’t understand why people intentionally do evil things just because they had a bad day. Because of his foolishness something really bad could’ve happen, thankfully I’m okay other than my bad nerves.  When I finally reached my destination, I sat in my car,  closed my eyes and took deep breaths until my heart rate slowed and my  stomach stopped hurting. I officially lost my appetite, but knew I would be hungry soon. I eventually got my pizza  feeling no longer excited, just thankful I was alive and drove back to my apartment abiding all speed limits and staying in one lane.

Living and coping with this disease has been a constant daily struggle, but you never know when your time is up. I know I’m sick, but grateful to be alive!