Happy New Year! . . . Ugh . . . :(

So . . . it’s less than an hour until the New Year and everyone on social media are posting New Year resolutions and all these positive messages “out with the old, in with the new!” etc. But let’s be real, its not like next week is going to be amazing and wonderful just because it’s a new year. Since I was diagnosed I told myself to let go, because me having this disease was completely out of my control. I finally learned you cannot control your life, just gotta ride the waves. I’ve been riding waves somewhat smoothly until this year, so many things have happened out of my control, such bad luck lately, I’m just speechless

2017 overall was a “healthy” year because I was not admitted to the hospital. After I was discharged in 2015 I told myself every year is great as long as I am not in a hospital. Well its hard for me to continue to abide by that saying, because 2017 was shitty. It started off being scammed by a crappy dentist office and paying TOO MUCH money in dental work, its nothing like being taken advantage of when you’re in pain. Then my job which has been a pain in my side for years now, I’ve been trying to get out of there before it got worst. Well it got worst a few weeks ago, my boss was fired and somehow I’m cleaning up his mess plus my job until his replacement is hired. How is that fair? Why is this not being reflected in my income?  I moved to my apartment about 9 months ago, my lease is up for renewal in April and I’m hearing through the grapevine that peoples’ rent is being increased to $200 a month. WTF?!?! Yes, I understand renovations occurred 3 months after I moved in that I had no knowledge of before I signed the lease, but how is such a rent increase even legal? Oh yes! VA is not rent-controlled, so they can charge whatever they want!

The one good thing about my current job is that the office is closed from Xmas until New Year’s, but I guess you’re still expected to work because when I did check my email this past week I noticed I received emails daily from our Interim Director . .  . I read but did not respond . . was on Holiday Break *shrugs*  . . . I spent the week at my moms sleeping, watching tv, and eating, best week ever. I returned to my apartment today to see two unexpected tax bills. One from a county I haven’t lived in since May and a letter from the IRS because HR Block fucked up . . . so tomorrow being January 1st will not put a smile on this face. . .

I am sorry to anyone I have wronged, please remove this hex, cause this bad luck is making me very depressed. Hmm that kind of rhymes  . . lol

The first 3 months of 2018 will be the most stressful, and I have never been so grateful to be back on Humira because if not I might be admitted to the hospital. I know some might read this and say “stay positive” but  right now I am living in the present. The present me is broke, stressed, and getting fat from all this stress eating lately. Im sleeping in tonight and plan to be at the gym in the AM. I hope my car will not have a flat tire since one of my tire’s air pressure looked low today due to freezing temps. I’ll put air in it tomorrow hopefully that works for the time being,  but I have a feeling I will have to purchase new tires soon with the non-existent money I have . . . . . sighs

For those of you living high on life, please send some of those good vibes my way . . . it is greatly needed.

Happy New Year . .

You never know …

I have been living in my apartment for the past 4 months and what I’ve told many of my friends is that I wish I could just move my apartment, because my neighbors drive me crazy. Neighbors across the hall have too many visitors and smoke a lot!. And the older  woman that lives above is always moving furniture late at night and early in the morning. I’ve only spoken to her once before bumping into her today.

I walked to my door and she stopped to say hi, I felt I looked childish with a lollipop stick sticking out of my mouth, but taking it out would have been inappropriate I think lol Any way, she introduced me to her sister and I re-introduced myself, then she proceeds to apologize for all the noise she makes at night, I immediately said no worries, even though I was happy that she acknowledge it and apologized. She then told me  she’s on dialysis and her treatment is at night and showed me her stomach where I assume she inserts the treatment. All this time I thought she was moving furniture, but I believe she was actually moving her machine. God I felt bad, and all I could say is that I’m soo sorry to hear, it then got quiet and I could see the sadness in her eyes, it broke my heart. Since I’m the type of person that hates awkward silence I ended the convo by saying it was good seeing you.

As I write this I’m getting teary eyed and just grateful that my condition is not worst. You would think as a person with a chronic illness I would immediately be more empathetic than others but its still hard seeing people being sick. I feel so silly and immature thinking all this time she was a mad old woman trying to make my life miserable. You just never know . . .

I want to give her something, or drop something at her door so she knows I’m here if she needs help. Any ideas? More than ever I feel propelled to help others who are sick, I know that feeling of loneliness.

As always I take one day at a time and remain hopeful.

Happy Jar

This  year I plan to be positive everyday, no matter the situation. Can’t be sad when I’m alive for another day with clothes on my back and a roof over my head.

happy jar

I found this cool idea of the “Happy Jar” where you write something good that happens each day for a year, and at the end of year you get to read all the good things in your life for the past year. I kind of wished I had done a happy jar in 2015, which was one of the most depressing years of my life. I might have been in better moods if I had forced myself to sit down everyday and write something positive about the day.

The first week of January 2016 was hard, very stressful at the job and glad its over. But positive things from this week has been; re-connecting with friends I haven’t seen in a while, and I just paid a security deposit on my first place, no roomies! It’s a great feeling.  With this new place I will be moving to a new state (but not really far away) and area where I know no one. I’m officially starting a new chapter, it’s exciting.

Also, I bought some powerball lottery tickets, hopefully my good luck lately doesn’t run out too soon 😉

Remaining hopeful and living one day at a time!

 

A Flare attack and Black & Blue . . . .

It’s been a week since my last post and not a good one.   A very stressful, exhausting week it has been.  New job has officially started to stress me out, but for the first time in my career its not over drama, just a lot of freaking work. But with my condition any amount of stress is bad, even if  in my mind I categorize it as “good stress”.  As a result of this stress and lack of sleep due to Game of Thrones binge watching (I think I have a problem lol) I had a serious flare attack. I went to the rest room at least 10 times that day at work, and had my first case of diarrhea in 7 months . . . it was horrible. After going to the bathroom 3 times in the span of 15 minutes I became desperate and hoped the little convenient store in our building had Imodium or Pepto. By the grace of God they did and it worked!! Then 2o minutes later I experience spasms of upper right abdominal and rectum pain, could not sit in my chair. . . Found some extra strength Tylenol and the pain went away. All that happened in the span of 8 hours, by time I got home I passed out, my body was exhausted.

Last weekend I took my Humira injection and the next day I noticed this huge black bruise on my upper thigh, right where I had the injection. Is this normal? lol It was a first time for me. No pain or swelling, just a huge black bruise. .It’s starting to fade away but still noticeable . Did I do something wrong? I usually inject in my right thigh but I have so many little dark circles from previous injections I decided to start with a fresh leg . . . I guess that was a mistake.

Unfortunately my stress level has doubled in the past couple of days due to some roommate drama and as a result today I had diarrhea once again. I got so worried it was obvious to my colleagues that I decided to use the restroom in our building lobby a couple times today . . . sighs . . its been rough lately . . I thought my colonoscopy scheduled for next month would be a breeze and Remission!! Now i’m not so sure . . .

Hopefully this holiday weekend I will be able to finally relax.

Saying thanks . . . . :)

When you get sick I have noticed how people act differently around you. The people who I thought would be there and very supportive, did not appear . . . that’s different?!?!? Then you have the people who “tried to care” by saying all the rights things, but actions have always been louder than words for me.

Out of the blue, the people who I have not talked to in years have reached out to me with their kind words and well wishes . . . that was different . . but in a good way 🙂 I am grateful.

And then I have the friends that are still around, awesome, and have not treated me differently in any way, so I wanted to say thanks to them. 🙂 Even if they never see this post, I just wanted to acknowledge the positive people in my life. Without their love and support the past 6 months would have been very depressing. And for me it’s not always about having someone to talk to or getting me out of the house, the littlest things make me happy. I jokingly asked a friend that loves to bake if they could bake me a loaf of gluten-free bread and how it would save me $6 lol I didn’t think she would do it, but she did. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me, I almost cried 🙂

bread

I am grateful for the friends I have and If I can just get over my anxieties!! . . . .  I look forward to meeting new people 🙂

In need of some TLC . . . .

The “D word” is nothing new for me, I think I have had it for years it just took this disease for me to feel brave enough to openly admit it. No diagnosis, something I have never discussed but lately its kind of hard to disguise. To purposely isolate yourself from the world, your family and friends to be left alone is not good or healthy, I’m just sick of being unhappy. I’m sick of disappointment, sick of dealing with people and their feelings, just annoyed and tired.

Maybe it’s not depression, maybe its my way of not feeling in control anymore. This illness is making me vulnerable which is something I have always feared; to be viewed as weak, sensitive,  and not good enough, but thinking this way is soooo exhausting, I’m tired . . I know many will say, you need to talk to someone or you can always talk to me .  . . What if I don’t feel like talking? The last thing I want to do is make others depressed/sad I think it pushes people away so I don’t like to talk. Who wants to hang out with the person that complains all the time?

I have had many issues in my life with my self-esteem and my goal was to get my shit together by the age of 30, wanted to start this new decade of life as a “new me”. My 29th birthday is a month away and I feel even further away from this goal. 2014 was my year of doing things that scared me and I did, It was a great year.  So for 2015 my goal was to get healthy physically and mentally, who knew a chronic illness would be revealed! lucky me! 2015 sucks . . . .  As I approach this new year of life and my favorite day of the year, I’m not excited . . . . at all. What’s exciting about another year of meds, and seeing my doctors more than family and the few friends I do have? What is there to look forward to?  I always celebrate my birthday, not this year, not in the mood.

And then it’s the “L word”, that word is a foreign language to me. I expected to be married and popping out my 2nd kid by now . . . a vision that seems more like in my dreams. Never saw the “value” in having a serious relationship, growing up everyone I knew in a relationship was unhappy, why would I want that? but maybe that’s my problem, I only see the value in things in my life than accepting things/people for the way they are. . . I think I just had an “aha!” moment.

I’m one of the last few single ladies, something to no longer brag about nearing 30! Starting to look sad, I think its sad, my way of thinking once again . . . I’ll admit every time I hear the song single ladies I wish I could take a shot lol  It would be nice to get some TLC but in my mind the MOST uncomfortable thing right now would be meeting new people.

After two weeks of an abnormal lifestyle of traveling, in and out of airports which is sooo 2014 Krystal. This week I’m back to my “new normal”. I have three doctor appointments but what’s unusual, not one is to see my GI! Shocking right?!?! I almost forgot that my colon should not be my only health concern.

Taking one day at a time . . . .

Deep thoughts . . .

I’m starting my weekly follow-ups with my GI this week, something I never anticipated, but I guess it needs to be done in order for me to get to remission. During my appointment last week when my GI asked if there is a possibility I could be pregnant or plan to have kids anytime soon, I quickly said no, but it scared me. These upcoming treatments will be more intense and I assume will have long term effects on my body. The idea of not being able to have kids has never crossed my mind. But now it weighs heavy . . what if I can’t have kids?

I feel like I have been numb for a long time even before I was diagnosed, showing little emotion, thinking what is the point of wasting energy on something you can’t control or fix, just let it be. But being numb is not healthy, what is the enjoyment in life walking around like a zombie? . . .

Ever since I have been diagnosed there has been many nights I have cried myself to sleep, thinking Why me? What have I done to deserve this? And no matter how hard I have tried to control every aspect of my life, as I grow older I have finally accepted that life is unexpected. Life is a roller-coaster, life continues to go on . . . I found the below video on my Facebook news-feed, one young woman’s story of her depression and living with Lupus. I decided to share because I can relate to her story in many ways and admire her perseverance and strength. Please watch and share this powerful video.

To my fellow IBDers, Stay Strong!