It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted and it was hard to understand why until recently. . . I’ve been dealing with the big “D” in 2018, depression. It’s sad because I started the year on such a high note, I believed. The last time I wrote I left a job and living situation that made me often broke and stressed. I decided to leave without a future job prospect and let life take the wheel, i was too tired and exhausted to care anymore. The last job interview I had before moving back to my moms was in Washington DC. I didn’t think I would get the job so I continued my move back to Baltimore an hour and a half from my former location.
By a struck of luck I got the job and was excited for this new chapter in life, that wonderful feeling only lasted for two weeks. First time in my life I regretted taking a job. In addition to my commute and the demands of this job where I worked late for the first time two weeks in, I cried. I had extreme feelings of regret. Unrealistic deadlines, unexpected meetings scheduled for Saturday, bosses throwing me under the bus three months into the job, wtf ?!? I felt like I was deceived or not the right person for the job. But i quickly realized everyone around me was miserable and many other newcomers had the same feeling, what a shame. The work itself is interesting but I’ve realized that its not enough. My anxiety got so bad I could no longer sleep so I went to my doctor and asked for help. She suggested I seek therapy, a new job, and prescribed me an anti-depressant, Lexapro. Lexapro has helped, but seeking therapy and a new job is a work in progress. For me to move from one toxic environment to another I just became num and stayed in the house and slept for most of this year.
I expressed my concerns with my current employer, first time i have ever done so, and basically going into my bosses office stating how I’m going to quit and how I need help, and the little help they provided aka my other new staff member was weird. It was up to us to figure this out, so we’re learning by making continuous mistakes, seems the way of how things are done. I had to plan to work this holiday weekend but fuck it, i’ll deal with it tomorrow. The Lexapro helps to num anxiety where it no longer causes stomach pain and a potential flare-up, but it’s just a band aid for my current situation. As I wrote this, i checked my work email three times, thinking I’ll miss something being this paranoid is not healthy .
Me writing again I hope is a step in the right direction. 2018 has not been fun.